Not A Joke

So I wasn't sure my life has been a comedy, a tragedy, a gossip, a cinderella's story or nothing. Everytime I hear someone's complaint, I just couldn't be more delighted that I'm the luckiest girl in the world. Well, everytime I feel the happiness of someone spreading all over and splashing, I just couldn't take it and grin it easily. Why can't I feel sympathetic for someone in need and share the joy with someone being pleased? Once the world is up side down, it's somehow much more acceptable. I think I'm just a little bit sick of the upright world. However, once I jump out of my little messy mind, and think outside the box, all I've been whining and worried about seem not even a piece of ..... . (You can fill in the blank whatever comes to your mind.)

I've been convincing myself to believe I'm learning from torture, and then the bitter will taste sweet. I keep telling myself I'm learning. I keep learning myself being told to learn. Thus, I start to doubt what the hell I am learning. Learn to accept? Learn to escape? If it's latter, then it would be a vicious circle which pulls me down even further. I can tell why I will choose to escape if I really do so. Not being hurt! Not willing to face how weak I am! But it'll just never be the answer to my comedy, my tragedy, my gossip or my cinderella's story.

Face it! Face the music! Face how weak I am! And see how strong I can be! Prepare the best sword for myself and also prepare the best shield for myself. But why not just take the bullet out of the gun?

Maybe the one with a rifle is the weakest cinderella.

Crash a Crush

Okay, I just almost finished my biggest event in November, the midterms. Ever since I felt the strees from them, I haven't had a good and sweet sleep so that zits are coming out and make me look awkward. Good news is that I start to steal back my sleeping time and rearrange my messy days caused by the midterms. Nevertheless, bad news is that since the winter is finally coming - well, I'm not going to complain about the cold and wet weather - there's actually something that's more annoying and complicated.

I know it was gonna happen someday in the future, but I just kept that behind and never expected when it would take place. But, you still can't stop it from happening. One of my friends told me whenever winter comes, whenever it's getting much colder out there, some people will somehow lose thier spirits and seriously fall for someone who has the same "syndrome." When seasons changing, people get close and get accompanied. Summer comes, vice versa, people separate for biological reasons, maybe, at least I guess so.

I wish them all my wishes, though I do hear about an example that she jumped out of the season love and found her ration back in time. That's pretty understanding not only for the guy she was hanging out, but also for herself.

I confessed that I was one of those patients who lost their ration during seasons changing, luckily, though I woke up before disaster happens. I call it a disaster because I'm afraid I cannot keep the promise with a strange crush. If I let my motion goes first, at the end, both sides will definitely get hurt.

Real Dream

Just find out a poem I wrote when I was 17. It' called Real Dream:

Stop crying myself to sleep
Dreaming is not realistic
Every time when the day breaks
Why do I feel so unrest
Because I dreamed a dream
Dream that I was in heaven
The shadow looked transparent
It's a blurry dream
Though my eyes were wide-open

I couldn't tell what I really wanted to express, but I do understand how I felt when those words were coming out through my mouth. I remember that I put an emphasis on the last sentence, which shows the main idea of this poem. I feli like dreaming, though my eyes were wide-open. This is how ambivalence feels like. Not so ture, not fake, either. That was a hard time for me. Even by now, I somehow can taste bitter between words and lines.